My friend Brian S. wrote on Facebook about his budding relationship with a new couch. I felt compelled to warn him, since he is a few decades younger, about the dangers that lie in those metaphorical cushions…
Brian…. Since you are a young man, I thought I had better offer you some warnings about the dangers you are heading to. Couches – especially those chosen by a man – come with no rules. This means you will develop patterns of sleep beyond the allowed or “safe times” (Sunday afternoon during NFL games, dozing during late night talk shows instead of falling asleep in your own bed, – – miss ya Letterman – – post-lawn mowing, and a few others.) Remember, NEVER stay there all night now that you are out of college. Before you know it… you… will… drool. Drool leads to stains. You will sweat… not attractive and Fabreeze may be magic nectar from the Gods, but… see how that turned out for Thor. He’s pretty damn lonely much of the time.
Next… You will always sleep on one arm or side, and this will lead to a worn spot in the fabric. This worn spot is permanent and leads the couch down a path to termination. Stains and wear spots lead to blankets or towels or – oh my god – doilies? draped over the arms. These things – once you have a relationship with another human being – are warning signs to them, unwritten, of your out-of-control manliness. You can’t be broken. You, indeed, can not change your spots. No pun intended. It will be difficult for you to fool them otherwise, so if you care about that person, it would be best to get a new couch – with their input. But that is an advice column for another day.
Ultimately, the couch could become a place for something else entirely. See the photo below. Here’s my sage advice: a man chair. Many of them come with lifetime warranties and are generally leather or some type of fake leather that can be treated, cleaned and repaired! I have a La-z-Boy, and if it fits on top of my Saturn, it will go with me when I move to California. It will be given/sold ONLY to a worthy recipient.
At the end of the day, you can keep the man chair forever. The couch, well, its definitely a short-term relationship. And if your human partner of the future climbs on to your “lounger” or what some cutely call a “recliner”, you have won the unlikely, odds-against-us, battle of lifetime adoration. Good things will then follow, and then you can take a nap.